Published Writing

This is my writing from visual prompts and I had a friend give me feedback on my work.

1. Use interesting language and/or technical vocabulary that matches my topic and purpose.

2. Use a variety of sentence structures, beginnings and lengths to give effect.

Original:

He lies in the poppy field, dead. He had wanted to fight for his country, but instead sacrificed his life. Barely able to see his body, someone manages to find him. The body is carried to a bed and is checked to see if he is still a living human. No heartbeat. No life. Another life taken.

Lucy hears the sad news of her father's death. She cries and cries until the night arrives. The survivor soldiers came home a week ago and have only just heard about this.
“If you had paid more attention you might have realised he was gone.”
“Yes I guess that is true but we were out there fighting for you. What would you rather, your father dead because he tried to save you or he died because he was killed right here? Think about it.”
“I guess you are right.”

Published:

He lies in the damaged poppy field, dead. Only a few poppy’s had survived. Most of them had crumbled because of the bombs and gunshots. He had wanted to fight for his country, but instead sacrificed his life. For his daughter, Lucy. Barely able to see his body, someone manages to find him. He is wheeled across the grassy terrain in a hospital bed, the wheels fighting hard to move. This bed hadn’t been used for so long, the bed had almost become a statue! He is checked to see if he is still a living human. No heartbeat. No life. Another life taken.

Lucy hears the sad news of her father's death. She cries and cries until the night arrives and her eyes were red. The surviving soldiers came home a week ago and have only just heard about this.
“If you had paid more attention you might have realised he was gone.”
“Yes I guess that is true but we were out there fighting for you. What would you rather, your father dead because he tried to save you or he died because he was killed right here? Think about it.”
“I guess you are right.”